Become the Best by Accepting that You Aren’t

I was recently asked how I integrate Torah and movies/TV - but that's not why I wrote this article. I wrote it because I can't stop thinking of this scene from The Bear, and its Torah implications.

Jul 03, 2023

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Become the Best by Accepting that You Aren’t

POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT: For those who are machmir, like me, and don’t want to know ANYTHING about the shows they plan to watch, this article does contain spoilers. For those who only care if plot points are revealed, there are no spoilers here.

I recently finished the second season of The Bear on Hulu, and it was so good that I’m still feeling dejected that it’s over. If you appreciate brilliant actors, endearing characters, a high-intensity plotline, comedic dialogue, emotional depth, industrial psychology, and culinary artistry, you should definitely give this show a try!

My favorite bit of dialogue this season was the conversation in episode 4 (“Honeydew”) between Marcus, the apprentice dessert chef, and Luca, the master pâtissier under whom he has been training. In a rare (for this show) quiet and intimate interlude, Marcus asks Luca, “How did you get good at this?” After giving a half-joking answer (“Honestly, I made a lot of mistakes”), Luca tells him the real story:

L: I think because I started early, I got my skills set up really quick, and then started to feel like I was really the best, you know? Like, at all these really good places I really was the best cook. And then I started at this really great place as a commis (junior chef), and this other chef started the same day as me. And I thought we were competition, but really, we weren’t. He was better than me. Much, much better than me. He worked harder and faster than I ever could. And it was the first time I realized that I wasn’t the best, and I was never going to be the best. So I started looking at it like it was a good thing, like, at least I knew who the best was now; I could take that pressure off myself. And the only logical thing to do was to keep up with him. So I never left this guy’s sight.
M: And you got better?
L: Oh, mate, I got better than I ever thought I possibly could be, just from trying to keep up with him.

When confronted with this chef who was clearly superior, there were two other choices Luca could have made: (1) he could have denied the evidence – of this chef’s skill or of his own limitations – and continued trying to be the best, all while continually beating himself up for failing to accomplish this impossible task, or (2) he could have given up altogether and abandoned his passion, which is another way of beating himself up for being a failure.

But Luca didn’t take either of those paths. Instead, he recognized his place, accepted his level, and took maximum advantage of the situation by learning as much as he could. By doing so, he unlocked his full potential in a manner that would have been impossible had he refused to let go of his lofty ambitions.

It takes tremendous honesty to do what Luca did. It’s one thing to apply proverbs like “the perfect is the enemy of the good” to specific projects. You can tolerate work that is below your standard while retaining the hope that you will one day make it to the very top. It is far more difficult to admit to yourself that you will never achieve your deepest aspirations, and to face the reality that you’re never going to be as good as you hoped.

Chazal (Avos 6:6) enumerate 48 qualities that facilitate the acquisition of Torah. Among these are: “humility,” “apprenticing with the wise,” “recognizing one’s place,” and “being content with one’s portion.” Luca embodied all four qualities. I think about these quality every Shabbos when, in every tefilah, we ask Hashem to “give us our portion in Your Torah.” We don’t ask Him to enable us to master the entire Torah to even to accomplish great things in our Torah study, since that might not be in the cards. But each of us does have a portion in His Torah, and by asking Hashem to grant us that portion, we remind ourselves that this should be our goal.

(Parenthetically, we see that least some of these 48 characteristics enable one to excel in areas outside of Torah. This suggests that working on these virtues in our non-Torah activities can help us in our acquisition of Torah as well. Practically speaking, if you practice Luca’s approach in your hobby, passion, or craft, the effects will spill over into your Torah development as well, provided that you keep yourself open and allow this to happen.)

I’m in the middle of Andrew Huberman’s interview with Tim Ferriss (“How to Learn Better & Create Your Best Future”). Tim shares a variation on an already useful question we should all ask ourselves from time to time:

There’s a great question that Seth Goden applies … Most people have probably heard the hypothetical question, like, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” … Seth turns that around … and says, “What would you do if you knew you were going to fail?” in terms of identifying what you would do for the process … You’re considering these five different projects. Let’s say they’re all going to fail, but you still have to choose one of the five. Which would you choose?

Luca initially regarded himself as a failure for not being the best chef. What allowed him to become truly great was his choice to continue to improve his craft knowing he would “fail” in his primary goal. Letting go of his dream made it possible for him to tap into a newfound dimension of freedom, as he goes on to tell Marcus:

L: I think at a certain stage, it becomes less about skill, and it’s more about being open.
M: Open?
L: Yeah – to the world, to yourself, to other people. You know, most of the incredible things that I’ve eaten haven’t been because the skill level is exceptionally high or there’s loads of mad, fancy techniques. It’s because it’s been really inspired.

Luca’s earlier realization (“I knew who the best was now; I could take that pressure off myself”) is what created the space for this “openness.” The act of relinquishing his narrow vision of what success needed to look like enabled him to find inspiration and embrace his talents, transcending the plane of “mere” skillfulness to artistry.

I’m slowly savoring my way through Kevin Kelly’s new book, Excellent Advice for Living: Wisdom I Wish I’d Known Earlier (2023) – yet another Tim Ferriss recommendation – and one of my favorite pieces of advice so far is: “Don’t aim to be the best. Be the only.” This is exactly what Luca did. He heeded Bruce Lee’s warning:

Many people dedicate their lives to actualizing a concept of what they should be like, rather than actualizing themselves. This difference between self-actualizing and self-image actualizing is very important. Most people only live for their image. Where some people have a self, most people have a void, because they are so busy projecting themselves as this or that. This is again the curse of the ideal. The curse is that you should not be what you are.

Luca gave up his self-image actualization for the sake of genuine self-actualization. He broke the curse of the ideal.

At the end of the scene, Luca gives Marcus one final piece of advice: “It helps to have good people around you too.” He doesn’t elaborate on what he means, but based on his other statements, we can infer that “good people” means: “people who support your efforts to become who you are” or “people who help you become the best version of yourself” – ideally, people who endeavor to do the same in their own lives. According to the Rambam (Avos 1:7), this is the level of friendship about which Chazal say: “acquire a friend” – one in which both individuals desire and focus on a single objective … to attain the good for them both.”

Have you undergone the type of epiphany that Luca had? Do you know of a good example of someone who has? Are you also a fan of The Bear and have a favorite scene you’d like to discuss? What would you do if you knew you were going to fail? Let me know in the comments!

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