Erev Rosh ha'Shanah 5784: Metaphysical Triage and My Complex Relationship With Selichos

Should I have written this? Most definitely. Should I have published it? I'm not sure. That's why the bulk of the article is behind a paywall, even though the discussion is relevant for us all.

The Torah Content for the month of Elul has been sponsored anonymously in loving memory of Henya bas Tzirel - a mother who cared deeply about her children's engagement with Judaism.

My apologies for not preparing a PDF. I don’t think I’ll have time to do so before Rosh ha’Shanah starts, but I’ll try to do it next week.

Artwork: Dawnbringer Cleric, by Lie Setiawan

Erev Rosh ha'Shanah 5784: Metaphysical Triage and My Complex Relationship With Selichos

Preface/Apologia

Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing this article. One can even argue that it’s prohibited to do so. Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 2:5) writes:

It is exceedingly praiseworthy for someone who has done teshuvah to confess in public and to make his offenses known to them, and to reveal the sins he has committed between himself and his fellow man, and to say, “Indeed, I have sinned to so-and-so and I have done such-and-such, and today I have done teshuvah and have regretted my actions!” And anyone who conducts himself in a haughty manner and doesn’t publicize his sins, but conceals them – his teshuvah is not complete, as it is said, “One who conceals his offenses will not succeed” (Mishlei 28:13).

To which [types of sins does] all of the above apply? To sins between man and man. But [in the case of] sins between man and God – he doesn’t need to publicize himself, and it is considered to be brazenness on his part of he divulges them. Rather, he should do teshuvah privately, and specify his sins before Him, and confess them in public in a general (i.e. non-specific) way. It is better for him to not reveal his sins, as it is said, “Praiseworthy is the one who bears offense, who conceals sin” (Tehilim 32:1).

This halacha is limited to cases involving sins for which a person has done teshuvah. To publicize a transgression between man and God for which no teshuvah has been done would be even more brazen.

For better or for worse, that’s exactly what I intend to write about: a topic I will refer to euphemistically as “my complex relationship with Selichos.”

So why did I decide to write this? Because I know that the type of “complex relationship” I have with Selichos is experienced by many — if not with Selichos in particular, then in another aspects of their Torah observance.

But despite the pervasiveness of this type of complexity, we don’t talk about it as much as we should. Instead, we ignore or deny these problems and refuse to talk about them, allowing them to fester and infect our observance of Judaism. This is not healthy.

I am pleased to see a trend in the Modern Orthodox world towards discussing these matters openly instead of sweeping them under the carpet and pretending they don’t exist. I believe this stems from a trend in the world at large: a move towards greater self-awareness and empathy, fostered through the sharing of common struggles and talking about them in hope of finding solutions — or at least understanding. This is the spirit in which I wrote this article, and this is the spirit in which it should be read.

And, if I may be so bold, I will draw upon the words of David ha’Melech as a precedent for what I’m going to write. In Tehilim 51, David expresses his remorse over the sin he committed with Batsheva. Despite his characterization of this as a sin between man and God, saying, “To You alone I sinned, and I did what is evil in Your eyes” (ibid. 51:6) — which is a perplexing categorization in its own right, given what he did and the two other individuals it involved — David nevertheless chose to discuss his faults in public. This would seem to be a violation of the principle codified by the Rambam. What was David’s justification?

The answer can be found later on in the psalm: “I will teach offenders Your ways, and sinners will return to You” (ibid. 51:15). By publicly divulging his sin and teshuvah process, and the thoughts and feelings that accompanied them, Davidintended to serve as a model and as an impetus for others to engage in their own teshuvah. That, I believe, is why his public disclosure cannot be considered “brazen.” He did it l’shem shamayim (for the sake of heaven), as a means of involving others in teshuvah.

Although I will not, strictly speaking, be writing about my own teshuvah process, I believe my words will facilitate teshuvah in myself and in others. That is the reason I have chosen to write this.

What are Selichos?

Let’s start with some basic facts about the specific topic under discussion. Selichos (literally “pardons”) are the supplicatory prayers for forgiveness which are customarily recited during the time period associated with Rosh ha’Shanah and Yom ha’Kippurim. The Rambam codifies this minhag (custom) in the context of his explanation of how the annual Divine judgment works. We are all judged on Rosh ha'Shanah and the fate of the "beinonim" (those who are neither righteous nor wicked) hangs in the balance until it is sealed on Yom ha'Kippurim, based on their conduct in the interim. Rambam (ibid. 3:4) continues:

Because of this concept, the entire House of Israel is accustomed to increase their tzedakah and good deeds and to involve themselves in mitzvos from Rosh ha'Shanah until Yom ha'Kippurim more than on the other days of the year. And they are all accustomed to get up at night during these ten days to pray in the synagogues with words of supplication and humbling words until daybreak.

The original minhag was to recite Selichos during the Aseres Ymei Teshuvah (Ten Days of Repentance, from Rosh ha’Shanah through Yom ha’Kippurim). Most Ashkenazic Jews begin Selichos following the Shabbos before Rosh ha’Shanah. Many Sephardic Jews recite Selichos for the entire month of Elul. Customs vary as to the liturgy, but the common denominator and centerpiece of all Selichos is the invocation of the Yud Gimmel Middos ha’Rachamim (Thirteen Modes of Mercy). Although the original minhag was to recite Selichos before dawn, some people are accustomed to recite them after midnight, some before midnight, and others during daylight hours in conjunction with shacharis (the morning prayer service).

The minhag in my yeshiva is to recite Selichos after midnight on the first night, and before the haneitz (sunrise) minyan commences for all subsequent days. To give you an idea of what this entails, Selichos this year has been called for 5:45am during the first week, and was called for 5:05am on Erev Rosh ha’Shanah (when, in the Ashkenazic liturgy, the Selichos are much longer).

My Complex Relationship with Selichos

I LOVE Selichos! I’m not exactly sure why (though you can gain some insight into how I experience Selichos from my recent shiur, Selichos - a Shiur from the Kuntress). During my seven years in yeshiva, I attended Selichos religiously. Not only that, but I would prepare for them the night before, choosing a single selichah to read, translate, and analyze using my homespun method of learning Selichos (which I wrote up in How to Learn Selichos). This learning routine helped me to gain even more out of my Selichos experience than many of my peers. The greatest level-up I experienced was when I started developing my own theory of the Yud Gimmel Middos ha’Rachamim, which I gave shiur on a few years ago (a.k.a. the most important shiur I’ve ever given; click here for the YouTube version and click here for the audio version, which is slightly different).

It certainly helps that I’m a morning person. Ever since 6th grade, I had to get up early (6am, if memory serves) to make it to school on time for my jazz band practice. Since then, I’ve had no difficulty waking up early. Moreover, the morning is the time I feel most alive and productive. It also helps that I go to sleep early every night, aiming to be in bed between 9:45pm and 10:15pm. I don’t think there was ever a time that I set my intention to wake up for Selichos but didn’t end up doing so.

And yet …