Rabbi Moskowitz on Shalom Bayis and Toilet Paper
A chance encounter with a unique toilet paper holder reminded me of an idea from Rabbi Moskowitz that I wanted to share with all of you. May you think of this every time you see a toilet paper roll.
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Rabbi Moskowitz on Shalom Bayis and Toilet Paper
I think about my rebbi, Rabbi Morton Moskowitz zt"l, every day - often multiple times a day. Usually these thoughts arise in the context of my learning and teaching, but sometimes they occur to me randomly, in the most unexpected situations. For example, when I arrived at the cabin I booked on AirBnb for my “off-the-grid” winter solo cabin retreat, I immediately thought of Rabbi Moskowitz upon seeing the toilet paper roll in the bathroom. Allow me to explain the context of this association.
In discussions about shalom bayis (peace in the home), Rabbi Moskowitz often noted that many marital disputes arise from trivial issues without any basis in objective truth. He pointed out that such fights are fueled entirely by the egos of those involved. The insidious thing about these squabbles is that they are often quite solvable; however, the combatants are too blinded by their egos to consider straightforward solutions.
That's when Rabbi Moskowitz would deploy his go-to example: toilet paper orientation. We're all familiar with the two ways a roll of toilet paper can be placed on its dispenser: "over," where the loose end hangs over the top of the roll, rolling away from the wall, and "under," where it hangs beneath the roll, rolling towards the wall.
Now, you and I know that those who use the "under" orientation are both wrong and crazy, but some people will insist that this is the right way to do it. Trying to convince these "under-heads” that they're wrong is like trying to argue with a flat-earther: you're not going to make any progress, and you're both just going to get more annoyed.
Quarrels over toilet paper orientation might seem inconsequential, yet they can become a cause of daily frustration and annoyance between husband and wife, providing just enough tension to sour one’s mood in the morning or even intensify feelings about more substantive issues.
Rabbi Moskowitz deliberately chose the example of toilet paper because it inherently lacks an objective right or wrong. Such a dispute is not merely fueled by the ego; it exists solely because of ego. Each party might attempt to make persuasive arguments, but at the end of day, each position boils down to: “I am right because this is in line with my desires, and my desires outweigh your desires.” While arguments about objective truths and falsehoods can theoretically be resolved even when egos are involved, a dispute that is rooted solely in subjective preferences can never be settled without bruising one party’s ego.
In this case, Rabbi Moskowitz suggested a simple solution: install two toilet paper holders! This way, the spouse who favors the "under" method can happily have it their way, while the obviously more enlightened spouse can have their way, and the two will no longer have occasion to fight about it.
Take a moment to consider just how many interpersonal conflicts fall into this toilet paper category. Think about how much unnecessary irritation can be avoided if all the members of the household are aware of this phenomenon.
Now you are in a position to appreciate why I thought of Rabbi Moskowitz when I entered the bathroom at the cabin and saw this: a toilet paper roll mounted vertically on the wall! A vertical toilet paper roll solves the over/under problem without the need to have two rolls. Ingenious!
I know that if I told Rabbi Moskowitz about this, we’d all have a good laugh, and the memory of his laughter brings a smile to my face.
Do you have a good example of a dispute like this? Was it solved — or could it have been solved — with a solution of the type suggested by Rabbi Moskowitz?
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That roll is clearly mounted wrong as vertical toilet papers should go over towards the left.
Very much enjoyed. Compare his idea with beds that adjust for both partners and cars with seperate AC for driver and passenger. This is a bit tongue in cheek but as presumably a couple would still bicker (think toilet paper holder sabotage 😜) even with both their preferences satisfied that would help drive home the point that it was never about the toilet paper roll's placement in the first place . .